We are born to form close bonds with our caregivers. If those caregivers can attune emotionally to us, and the environment is safe enough, we generally grow up with secure attachment. If it isn’t, we create coping mechanisms to manage the pain of disconnection. Those become insecure attachment styles and impact our ability to feel safe in relationships throughout life.
If we need a lot of closeness, become preoccupied and focused on a relationship partner, have a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, we might have Anxious Attachment. With Anxious Attachment we may struggle to feel safe in relationships, trust our partner, and feel calm and regulated.
And Anxious Attachment can be healed. Here are 5 things you can try right now.
- Bring the focus back to yourself.
With anxious attachment we focus more on what the love interest or partner is thinking, feeling and doing. It’s helpful to bring our attention back to ourselves. What am I doing with my time? Am I saying yes to things that support me and no to things that don’t? Are my current relationships in line with the life I want to create? Am I focused on all areas of making my own life great (finances, home, friends, etc.)?
- Learn to communicate your needs clearly and calmly.
Often we aren’t communicating clearly since there is fear of the other person rejecting us. Then we get angry that our needs aren’t being met. To communicate clearly, we focus on what we do want “I’d like to make plans for the weekend by Wednesday” as opposed to what we don’t want “You always wait until the last minute to make plans”. When we communicate clearly, we can make real decisions about how a relationship is going.
- Self-soothe when triggers appear.
While we can reduce triggers by choosing partners who are more helpful to our attachment system, we will still experience them. So learning to manage our own triggers is crucial. A few ways I like to soothe triggers are; deep breathing (in for 4 and out for 4), using positive self-talk (“I am safe. I am loved. I am held. Nothing is happening at this moment), and placing a hand on my heart and pressing down. Ideally partners can help us soothe our triggers as well with reassurance, love and healthy affection. However, this won’t completely alleviate the need for self-soothing as well.
- Learn to let in the good.
Anxious attachment generally comes from experiencing inconsistent love as children. For us, things going well is what happened before we got let down. So today it’s hard to let it in the good of a person. We tend to focus on the negative parts and act critical. Healing happens when we actively work on letting in the good. Keep a running list. Add to it every day. Take time to sit with the ways a partner is showing up, connected and loving.
- Move on quickly from harmful relationships.
One result of learning to communicate our needs clearly and taking in the good is that we can more clearly see when a partner or potential partner isn’t able to meet our needs. We support our own healing when we move on quickly once we see that, and don’t wait for them to change, or learn to show up for us. This is a place where it’s really helpful to have a professional help us see the situation clearly. Especially if we’ve already invested a lot, it can feel really hard to walk away.
Anxious attachment is an adaptation and it can be healed. Follow @awakeningrelationships on Instagram for more tips on building secure relationships and healing insecure attachment patterns.