If you tend to withdraw and shut down, need a lot of alone time, and are overly self-reliant, you might have an avoidant attachment style. Many folks with avoidant attachment want to build connected, loving, long term relationships and find their attachment style gets in the way. If you’re interested in healing avoidant attachment, here are 5 things you can practice doing right now.
- Get clarity on your early childhood interactions with caregivers.
More than other insecure attachment styles, Avoidant attachment folks have a difficult time seeing their childhoods as less than idyllic. If their basic needs were met (food, clothing, shelter) they believe that was enough. Some things to consider are: Were caregivers attuned to my emotional needs? Did I become independent very early out of necessity? Could I be my authentic self or did I have to be what those around me wanted? What was the reaction when I asked for help? (If you never asked, why do you think that was?)
2. Learn to value your own and other people’s emotions, not just thoughts.
Avoidant attachment often stems from being left alone too much as a kid and having your emotions downplayed or seen as annoying or unimportant. Part of healing is learning it’s natural and healthy to have feelings.
Work to notice how situations affect you emotionally. Practice sharing with someone you trust starting with “I feel.…” Download a feeling chart online and learn the difference between thoughts/perceptions and feelings.
3. Connect with your body through mindfullness
Avoidant attachment folks often live in their heads and are disconnected from the feelings and sensations in their bodies.
Take time daily to connect with the present moment. Journaling is a great tool to start understanding your feelings. Meditation apps offer easy ways to start slowing the mind down and getting more present.
Begin to notice how the body reacts when certain things happen. Being aware of what’s happening in your body is the quickest way to know a trigger is here and avoid heading to a habitual reaction.
4. Build trust with others gradually and notice their caring behavior towards you
Note the specific things people in your life do that are trustworthy. See how this is actually safe for you. Try and take their caring in a little at a time.
See what it’s like to let someone else do something for you. It might be that you need to practice asking for help or letting someone in. Start small. Make a request like changing a meeting time or location. Move to asking for emotional support. Notice that when you reach out today, someone reaches back.
5. Notice your reactions to triggers
Avoidant attachment patterns like withdrawal and shutdown are reactions to triggers. For instance, if you are afraid that a partner will be mad, your reaction to that trigger is to stay quiet. The challenge is this is often the exact opposite of what is needed. Shutting down and withdrawing will actually make the partner more mad. Learn to share the truth of what is going on with you like: “I feel scared that you’ll be angry at me and notice my habit of shutting down. I don’t want to do that anymore because I know it hurts us. Can we talk?”
Avoidant attachment is an adaptation. It can be healed. It takes willingness, commitment, and knowledge. Often working with a professional is helpful. If that’s not possible, look into the many books, workshops and groups available.